I thought I had to deny myself (my intuition), take up my cross (suffer through the situation), and follow Jesus (not go after what I wanted instead). That I had to teach my children the same thing. I was wrong.

I once had a therapist tell me I needed to lead a boring life. I think what she meant is that my high sensitivity can't afford to be triggered all the time. She was right, and I wish I realized that when I was homeschooling and remodeling all at once.

I think Releasing Our Story is one of the hardest things to do. It is for me.

But what if you needed to be loud and vocal about what you felt was unjust? I think you were supposed to be heard.

25. What did you want and not get?

To throw dinner parties. Again, just call me Lady Mary.

This year I learned that when the pressure to please my extended family wasn’t there (thanks, COVID), I still faced fear, insecurity, and worry about pleasing my adult children and accepting that maybe I can’t.

No matter how I slice it, this time of year brings the feelings. But I can take care of my inner world now. There's space for it. If only I'd known how to do this earlier.

“Release the Story” is the flag I fly. It’s my standard-bearer. I got a lot of story to release. How can it be my rally cry unless I do it, too?

That’s what The Raw Jaw was supposed to be about.

I also bemoan to my therapist, "But only the whites believe in giving adult children lots of space! If I was the matriarch in another culture, like Italy or, or…have you SEEN "My Big Fat Greek Wedding??" But I am white.

My journals tell the truth. I never found a resolution to marry this man. I admit, it was the strict religion I followed at the time that saved me.

“Why can’t you have that in your marriage, Jenny? You want a relationship with sexual tension? Don’t talk about that. That’s behind closed doors stuff!”

Well, yes. But isn’t that why we read memoir, to peek behind closed doors into a world we either want to understand better or to tap into the universal themes of our human journeys?

I feel guilty that I want this. I have felt sinful because I should wish for ordinary things. This kind of theology held me back so many times, but even now, I am afraid to write what I want in case Christians read it.

But truth be told, these are dreams that come after long stares at my coaches and therapists who have asked me, “Jenny, what do YOU want?” Being a mother and creating a home began to live in my cells when I was very young, starting with a love for Marion Cunningham and all those teenagers who wanted to hang out at her house.

So many children I know have been wounded and traumatized by this theology. I’ve said it before, but I will spell it out again. Do not teach children about the execution method of the Roman Empire.

While I hadn’t yet experienced my own broken heart, I was only ten, after all, I knew I had broken his. But what could I do? I had to tell him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. I mean, who “goes steady” in the fifth grade?

My adrenalin pumped so hard; I ended up jumping into the passenger seat as he went to drive away. In a flash, I grabbed the keys out of the ignition and ran down the street. He chased after me, and I only made it about half a block before he cut in front and turned to face me.

Somehow it ended there. Amber’s and my giggles switched to whispers that night as we discussed and dissected what had happened. “What did it taste like?” Amber asked. “Amber!”. I responded with pretend shock.

But to long for something that might never come…there’s a heaviness there. And it’s translating back to heaviness in my body.

Since I was a little girl, accepting I was a sinner and following Jesus felt like my only choice in order to live with a God that was absolutely real to me, so real he came over for dinner.

But I think I can speak for some of us that finding people after knowing nothing for 20 years felt surreal and scary ten years ago.