I don't want to read this book, and I definitely don't want to write about it. Because? Feelings.

It's not easy when someone else is doing what you want to do. I choked up twice just reading the foreword. It's hard when someone else gives themself permission that you can't seem to give yourself. I knew ahead of time that reading the book would make me regret, long, and feel anger. But I bought it anyway, thinking I wanted the bonuses and to be part of the online book club. I thought maybe I would journal the ten prompts here. But I'm not going to. I probably won't participate in the book club. Actually, I know I won't. I'm so tired of being the follower, I can feel like I'm going to throw up.

If I think about it, I feel like I'm going to throw up when I come to the page, too. So if I'm going to feel nauseous, I might as well create my own content instead of gleaning off of someone else's.

God, I'm jealous of her. But am I? Really? No, not really.

I think what I feel instead is the awareness that I haven't done the work to be where she is. It takes a lot of work, and I haven't done it. I also think I feel doubt. I stopped relistening to "Wild," too. It's one of my favorite memoirs, and I thought I would feel inspired to revisit it. But Cheryl Strayed is SUCH a good writer. She can describe her story in a way that makes me feel like I'm sitting on her shoulder and hiking the Pacific Crest Trail with her. I told my therapist this week that I would never be the next Cheryl Strayed. "But you might," she said. Thanks a lot, I thought. #nopressure

This is a little embarrassing. I created a product awhile ago called "How to Release Your Story in 30 Days". I even sold a few. But I never used my own creation. I mean, I know enough about writing and memoir to help others. I have often been a part of relationships where the person I'm with speaks their truth out loud for the first time. But I haven't answered the prompts or written my own story spine to decide what thread MY book could take. Who knows what magic I might create for mySELF?

I've answered 12 of the 30 so far. Here's an example:

What do you want a trigger warning for? What kind of pop culture do you tend to avoid?
I often choose to press into what triggers me instead of avoiding it. I'm not sure I believe I am supposed to avoid anything. I judge others for keeping their world small, and for me to not follow suit, I need to get over my trauma. Honestly, I can get annoyed at trigger warnings. On the one hand, we're told not to play the victim, and on the other, it can seem like trigger warnings are everywhere.
But. The last time I remember being terribly triggered was when I tried to attend a workshop 'A' hosted. I wanted to go because it seemed like a low investment option to reconnect with 'D' and others. But I couldn't control my anxiety about seeing them again. I was deeply triggered because of how it reminded me of church. This was more than I could just push through. I didn't realize the event was supposed to be for corporate teams to learn about each other's personalities to work better together. The explanation and introductions were minimal, and I was expected to jump into group exercises without a lot of understanding. There was a man she was working with, and he acted like a leader by treating us as if we would automatically trust him. I tried to ask a question that would help illuminate that this could be a problem. I think he explained how working with him meant he would challenge us if he thought we hadn't typed ourselves accurately with the MBTI. I raised my hand and asked why we would trust him over ourselves. It seemed like he didn't understand the question. I can't count the number of times I felt like what I said versus what I meant got confused in this group. My adrenalin was running so high, I wasn't articulate. The atmosphere in the room changed. It felt tight as if we were all grimacing together. 'R' tried to tell me why she trusted him, and she did this in front of the whole group. All of a sudden, I was in the spotlight, and it got too personal. The atmosphere changed from professional, and I knew that wasn't respected or wanted. Suddenly, it felt like we were in a break-out session at a church conference, and I needed "ministry." I just held my breath and tried to get through it.
'D' and 'S' were gracious as always and welcomed me when I asked to join their small group. But at one point, we were interrupted as the male leader leaned over us and asked how it was going. It was so unneeded, and my shoulders went up to my ears. And then 'S' asked my opinion about individuating from 'C,' and I gave her too strong of an answer and overshared about my own empty nest. I also thought I had to take advantage of having a moment with 'D' and tell her about the drinking in simple terms and apologize. She teared up, but I'm not sure why because I didn't give the conversation time to breathe. Between my fear and doubt about how I appeared to everyone, I could barely stay in my skin because of my question and R's response.
I heaped trigger after trigger after trigger on top of each other. I am definitely triggered by religious men acting like they know more than I do. I overshared. I also realized that night that 'A' never saw me as a peer. When she is in leadership mode, she can't switch out of it. I don't blame her. After that night, I just knew that I can't continue to be in the role of the learner in situations with her anymore. I'm still unsure why fear and doubt can take me for such a fast and robust ride when I see my former community online or in person. I wish I could do those years over again sometimes because I would handle things differently. I want to prove to them and myself that I'm much more secure in who I am. But I couldn't do it that night. Maybe some triggers are too big to overcome.
I'm trying to press in with that community again, just in little ways. I want them to know how much I've grown and changed. Even though there are parts I really miss about that time of life, there's a lot I don't. But I just don't know that avoiding triggers is how I want to operate in this world. So I keep trying.

Writing a memoir means revisiting a lot of triggers. I once had a therapist tell me I needed to lead a boring life. I think what she meant is that my high sensitivity can't afford to be triggered all the time. She was right, and I wish I realized that when I was homeschooling and remodeling all at once. There was no time for my emotions to recover. I think that's why I can be slow in my writing and content creation. It's triggering. I don't want to avoid it, but I can also only take so much.

It's complicated, isn't it? We have so much freedom we can often manipulate our lives the way we want to and avoid the hard stuff. I will probably never go back to church. I haven't read the Bible in almost 10 years. I just had to stop one day and have never felt like I could pick it up again. If I see it quoted, I stop reading. I just can't hear what it says without the voices of all the men who I let interpret it for me over the years. I will probably always avoid church and memories of it as much as possible.

But I can't do that with the page. When you're taught that JOY= Jesus, Others, and Yourself, in that order, religion shoves aside self-awareness. Being a Christian was the largest part of my identity for twenty-five years. I will have to write about it.

The Raw JAW

How to Avoid Triggers. Or Not.