I Think God Wanted Me to Live Wildly in a Big, Wide World
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I don’t want to publish this. I might post but not tell anyone. The commitment I made to revisit some of my journal entries and speak with kindness to a young Jenny feels so unsexy. Cuz young Jenny was SO severe. It makes me sad to remember her heaviness and religiosity. But I am also thankful for a chance to show her kindness.
I can’t blame where I ended up in my 20s and 30s, the height of my time in the anti-intellectual American evangelical church, entirely on my childhood. I was raised by “born again” Christians, and we were a part of mainstream churches. And yet, a short foray by my parents, especially my mother, into the Pentecostal church at a critical point in my development (5-7 years) meant I learned very young that I was a sinner and traumatic things had to happen because of it. At five years old, I believed my sins, the sins of a child, put to death the Jesus of my childhood songs. The fear of a male and all-powerful God lived in my cells. Fear of doing the wrong thing shook me as a young adult and parent; I looked toward the more extreme church communities to live out my faith.
I believed God would desert me if I sinned. I lived with this ever-present fear and a deep sensitivity that read out in many emotional needs. When I began looking for my faith community while in college, I looked for a church that tended toward passionate expression and experience. I surrendered to some of the most bizarre corporate worship experiences simply because they promised emotional healing, freedom, and peace, which I actively sought.
June 7, 1995. I am pregnant with my first child, 26 years old, and not pursuing a career outside of the church.
“Tonight Todd & I went to a renewal service in Penryn. Very small & intimate. Nothing overt, but my hope is renewed. Jesus has not forgotten us, and he cares about what I care about. T was prayed for in front of everyone…
Hold up. Todd must have hated that.
…and I cried as God showed His tender care toward T. That is the hope - that our hearts will know intimacy that is rich. That we will feel love from God and for God.”
And then:
June 20, 1995.
Lord & Savior,
Please forgive me for my selfish desires.
Jenny, when you were little, and you wanted something, you let your desires be known, often loudly. The church taught your mother that it was your sinful nature, and she had to discipline it out of you. But what if you needed to be loud and vocal about what you felt was unjust? What if your desires had a message besides that you were selfish, aka sinful? I think you were supposed to be heard.
Lord, I want to submit to your ways and what you want.
Jenny, pay attention to the pronouns you use in this prayer. An unseen God and “The Enemy” have all the power.
Please give Todd & me want we really need. Only you know what that is.
Jenny, you believed that everything in your life either met God’s approval or disapproval. But you needed things far beyond the box of the God your church culture was defining. I wish you could have known life full of freedom and possibility in your 20s.
Please change my desires to conform to your will for our lives.
Jenny, I’m so sorry you didn’t know how to dream of infinite horizons. That you thought life was about being a perfect wife, mother, and Christian as was being defined by your small church.
Forgive me for the pleasures I have sought at the expense of obeying you.
Oh, sweetie. You ached for pleasure. You needed beauty, but you gave 10% of your money to the church instead of getting to buy pretty things for your home. You longed for comfort. You loved sex, wine, great food, and snuggly fabrics. You wanted time for tea, books, and your blanket, but you spent SO MUCH time on ministry projects. Remember that time, Pastor Jim asked us to clean his cars? You thought you had to do it because he was farther along the path to God than you. Not only did you think you had to do it, you thought you had to recruit those in the Bible study you led to do it, too.
Cleanse me of my pride every day.
What pride, Jenny? Your intuition was crying out for you to permit yourself to be you. No amount of religious posturing was able to quiet that voice. Every day you tried to fight your pride. But you were fighting your humanity and your unique expression in the world. I’m so glad the voice that wanted to show you how never deserted you.
Please help me to make the exchange of pride for humility all the time. Let me seek your approval alone.
Jenny, twenty-five years later, you will still enjoy recognition. Some people do, and you’re one of them. It’s okay to want this.
Spirit, thank you that you envy for me to follow you alone.
Jenny, this doesn’t even make sense. I think you were thanking God for wanting you for himself. How I wish you’d believed in a God that wanted to give you a way to live wildly in a big, wide world.
Do not stop until my heart is undivided in all areas. Continue to alert me to the devil’s schemes that I would resist him in your power.
Jenny, I’m so sorry that not only were you trying to subdue yourself, you thought you also had to fight an invisible enemy. You believed your sin made you vulnerable to this enemy, and you were scared all the time. You were on SUCH a tight leash. Live was so heavy for you back then. Your 20s was the time when you could have relished being pregnant and full of dreams for your little family. But even more so, you could have lived your days believing that who you were was good enough and that your expression in the world was just fine. I wish we could have gone to Target to buy pretty things for your little apartment. We could have hung out on your couch and laughed together and talked about our celebrity crushes.
Jenny, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m so sorry you will be a young mother with all this burden. But someday, you will be free. I’ll show you how to get there.
In His Name & by His Blood.
Oh, Jenny. Can I rub your pregnant feet?