How I Deal with an Intense Inner World at the Holidays - Part II

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How do I deal with an intense inner world at the holidays? Therapy. I wish I had a simpler or less expensive answer, but there it is.

There were many times the last few days where I had to breathe through the feelings. The irony is that this was our simplest holiday year yet.

I can’t count the number of times, and years my inner circle has asked me in regards to the holidays, “Well, what do YOU want?” Even into my fifties, I have struggled to answer that question. I struggle to settle on what I want because I’m so aware of how others will be affected by my choices. I try to consider everyone in the bigger picture. But this year, a lot of that just wasn’t an issue.

I want to be with people, primarily my children, who WANT to be together, and I want us to feel connected. I want that to look like laughter, good food, games, and a few heart-to-hearts. Oh, and presents. I love to give presents. But the other side of that coin is having to live with the reality that they are also free to choose not to be with us.

This year I learned that when the pressure to please my extended family wasn’t there (thanks, COVID), I still faced fear, insecurity, and worry about pleasing my adult children and accepting that maybe I can’t.

One of the biggest surprises of being a parent of adult children is that I face the very things I wanted to avoid. I had to enter my fifth holiday season, accepting that one of our relationships with our adult children is complicated, and she would most likely not be a part of many of our plans.

How do I deal with that reality? I do a LOT of work leading up to the holidays. That’s the thing about therapy. We often get there because something has happened to us that we can’t make sense of. But by doing the work, we also learn how to approach the hard times that are yet to come, too.

This year, I learned the emotions that get stirred up are really more about me than they are about anyone I am with (or not with). The tools I’ve gained, though, helped me navigate them. One of the things I’ve learned is how much I try and fix everything right away. Now, I consider the timing and whether it’s something I need to address at all.

At Christmas Day dinner, one of my sons called what I said rude. It punched me in the throat. Just that amount of comment from him rattled me. I sat through dinner and all through dishes wrestling with it. What had I said? Was he right? Should I bring it up to him later?

After the evening wound down, I did find a way to approach him. I probably said something like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.” He responded, “What do you mean?” In other words, he had already forgotten the incident.

What he said after that is what I ended up hanging on to.

“Mom, if it makes you feel any better, my friends on Instagram and Snapchat are posting about starting to drink at 10 am to get through their family gatherings.”

That did make me feel a whole lot better. My son was here for 48 hours over Christmas, and we had the time I had always aimed for when they were growing up. It WAS filled with games, food, presents, walks, and conversations. No, my adult children were not all here at the same time except for about 40 minutes. But two of them and one significant other were here most of the time. No one, including me, drank to get through it.

But that doesn’t mean the feelings I want to escape weren’t there. I just got to practice…again…how to live with them. And on December 27th, I take pride in the memories made WITH the fact that my emotions didn’t take me out.

Also? For me? Journaling is key.

How did your holidays go? What spiritual practice helped you through?

P.S. Handling intense emotions takes so much time. From my journal on December 25, 2013:

“I like to be sober. I can’t take care of myself if I drink.”

It would take three more years of fits and starts, some more destructive than others, to finally be able to quit. Emotional health takes a long time. I hope you give yourself time.