Why Is It So Hard to Tell the Real Story?

I think Releasing Our Story is one of the hardest things to do. It is for me.

I think about my writing a lot—more than actually doing it, probably, though I do write more than the average person. As I’ve mentioned before, I started writing in journals when I was in 3rd grade (picture below!). And I’m old enough (working on my sixth DECADE. How is that POSSIBLE?) to see themes in my story. As a writer, I feel the need to write them down. It’s time to let others read a form of what is between the covers of all those notebooks. But even now, I find myself writing around what I really could be saying.

It’s so hard, to be honest with ourselves. It’s hard enough in our own heads. But when I homeschooled my kids, I would tell them, “You write, so you know how to think.” When we write things down, we see our thoughts in a different light. It helps us break what can be the continuous cycles in our heads that keep us trapped. 

For example, when I don’t write, I know I’m not taking care of my inner world. When I’m not taking care of my inner world, I start to see patterns in my life. Some of my tells are uneasy sleep and whacky eating. Like right now, I’m drinking chocolate chips out of the bag. I stop putting food back in the cupboard and just leave it tucked in the folds of my couch. Yeah, that’s my reality right now. How’s yours?

But I try to go easy on myself, too. Cycles in the past went on far too long. Thankfully, mostly because I’m not trying to be supermom, I have way more time and can choose to take care of myself more quickly. 

So why am I writing about this today? I’m writing about this today because I can’t decide what to write that others might read. I’m trying to know how to think about my writing.

It’s time. It’s time to write more than a blog for publication. I’ve known this for far too long. I have plenty of ideas. I have plenty of content that just needs to be compiled and made into something that can be published.

But writing is sedentary.

Writing can be lonely.

And if I write my stories down, the kind of writing that calls me…I have to face…ME.

Facing ourselves is hard. Because we all have a shadow side. And no one’s interested in my advice; readers are interested in my journey. But for me, to write down a story about my story means going back through the weeds.

The weeds would include the tangle and heavyweight of religiosity. I would probably need to write about the alcohol abuse that became my coping mechanism. It would have to include the fallout in relationships, including the beginning of the unraveling that happened with my youngest. How I set out to be supermom and then watched my family start to disintegrate. And, also, how I found my way through it.

And if I write about that, would I include the story around my sexuality? Sexuality and religiosity are not good bedfellows…hardy, har, har…and yet, they so are! Religion’s relationship with sexuality has been deeply fraught for centuries. It spills over into our personal lives in dramatic and subtle ways. But how do I write about that tangle? If there’s one theme that has dominated the last thirty-five plus years, it’s that. It’s so personal, though. 

Memoirists always wrestle with how much to expose themselves and others. How do we write about our families and loved ones when they’re still alive? Anne Lamott’s quote, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Yeah, maybe. But I should have behaved better, too. 

But all of these are excuses. They’re just thinking about it instead of actually doing it. To write, I have to put my butt in a chair and wrestle with these realities while working it out. So off I go.

Some of you tell me offline what you think I should write about. If you haven’t, please feel free in the comments below or message me. The best place right now is Instagram.

And I ask you, as well. Is there a story you are scared to release? What do your thoughts tell you as to why?