The blowback of anger and misunderstanding I got in 2021 was just too scary and painful. It was from people I’ve been in the closest relationships with, not trolls (If you encouraged me and wrote kind comments, I thank you from the bottom of my heart).

This one's for the torn down

The experts at the fall

Come on friends get up now

You're not alone at all

1. What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?

I told myself over and over, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” and was able to believe it. Twenty twenty-one was the year I learned how to face others who treated me harshly behind my back or to my face.

American Christianity and Puritanism coupled with our obsession with sex as a culture is a toxic drink I have imbibed on my whole life. But I’m not sure how to put the bottle down.

So how did I find myself surrounded the other day with homeschooling moms that also knew each other because they all attended church together? How did I find myself talking like I was one of them? "Oh, that's so great! I used to take full advantage of Vacation Bible Schools, too!" So, of course, she would look me in the eye and ask, "You're a believer, aren't you?"

At first, I wasn't going to show you the bed. Keep it sacred and all that. But what the hell? I've been sleeping on box springs on the ground for years and never made the bed. So I wanted to show it off. #beautybeforetruth

I lamented to my therapist recently, “It’s taking so long to be able to live without fear that I’m in huge spiritual trouble!”

“How long were you a part of the Christian church?” she asked.

“Forty-five years,” I replied with a sheepish grin.

“Well, then. Expect this to take some time.”

There are several young men from that time I can't imagine being married to now. I would have tried so hard to let them lead me, but I would have been able to sit on my strong personality for about 5 minutes.

Vital developmental stages in my life all revolve around the American Evangelical god and experiences. For example. when I was the purest and open, Jesus came into my life. He even came to dinner when I was seven years old.

People tell you, "No is a complete sentence." But how do you say no when you think you have to be Super Christian, Super Mom, Super Homeschooler, Super American Hot Woman, and Super Friend?

Those I know who have gone through it feel like their very personhood is at stake. If they stay, they will die, and if they leave, they will die. But leaving is what means hope.

Yes, it has been a decades-long process, but I have finally shrugged off the garment that abortion is murder and the only legislation that matters. As someone whose first professional job after college was at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center, this was not a simple process.

But, living in Nevada City did not go well, especially for me. It wasn’t because of demons, though it would have been easier to believe that. It was because we put the pedal to the metal and bit off more than we could chew.

I spent so many years and significant events in my life in a panic that I would fall off a spiritual cliff. After all, if I could lose a battle against the Enemy when I was trying so hard to do all the right things, imagine the freefall if I didn't?

This morning I picked up the journal I was writing in 20 years ago. It surprised me to read words about things I struggled with then that are still true today. But I don't think it's because I haven't learned and grown. I think it's because it's all part of what I'm meant to work out in this lifetime.

I completely believed that the worst way for me to sin and face God's disapproval was to fall into bed with this man. I would drive home, bury my face in my bedroom carpet, and pray, "Oh, God! Please help me. I am so scared I'm going to disobey you."

I believed that if I were Growing Kids God's Way and committed to Focus on the Family, my family would never leave. But that's not what happened.

I lasted in that church 10 years, but my husband and I were the first couples in leadership to take our fingers out of the dam. It was only months before all our work disintegrated, and the church rolled up its welcome mat and closed its doors for good.

For someone like me, who believed she fell short of God’s standards all the time, reading verses like, “But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people,” added to my despair. I needed to know I was fine, accepted, and full of light, no matter what.

Later, a friend pulled me aside. “It was just like the Sound of Music!” she said. “Like when he’s singing Edelweiss in front of the Nazis, and Julie Andrews comes and stands by his side.” My friend was deeply touched, and I felt proud to show my love and support publicly. But I was skeptical, too.